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DiabeticallyYours

Living life as a Type 1 Diabetic.

Archive for the tag “type 2”

Why I lied to my weight loss coach.

I rarely lie. Very rarely. The reason is simple; I’m a lousy liar and get trampled in the lies. I like being truthful anyways; it’s less trouble and I feel much better about myself. I do lie on occasion though, random little white lies everyone makes. “Hey, how are you doing?” to which I would reply “I’m fine!” when I’m not. You know, the usual little white lies we so often do on a regular basis. Just so we don’t annoy anyone or don’t hurt their feelings. So why did I lie to my weight loss coach? I had to ask myself that question for a while before I found the right answer.

No one wants to feel shame. No one wants to accept that we fail and everyone wants to give proper explanation to everyone to justify the way they look, talk, eat, etc… And why do we? Is society that bad that we want to protect our image to the point of resembling the “normal” standards? Let me explain…

I’ve been starting this weight loss journey (Lost 2 lbs so far… Definitely not a big loss, but it’s a loss!) to be healthy, to stay alive, to be there for my son. I hate the way I look, so of course that’s another reason. As I was talking with my coach, she wanted explanations regarding my type 1 diabetes. She knew what type 2 was but had never met someone with type 1. Granted, type 1 diabetics only represent about 5% of all diabetics. It’s a much different disease and it’s hard to make people understand. It should be carrying a whole different name as it is. And through all these years, I’ve had to constantly explain to people what Type 1 diabetes was; show them that it’s not at all like type 2s, and that before it being called type 1 diabetes, it was called (And still is to this day) juvenile diabetes because most diabetics would be diagnosed under the age of 10. So then, why did I become diabetic at age 24? Type 1 diabetes is an auto-immune disease and it attacks the beta cells in your pancreas, destroying them and taking away your ability to produce insulin. Simple as that. But not so simple when you don’t know the disease and really not simple when people question your age and the disease.

So, I lied. I didn’t want to explain how it got there, why it chose me, give statistics and whatnot, but most of all, I didn’t want to battle and explain that it wasn’t because I’m fat. Most type 2 diabetics become diabetics because of an unhealthy lifestyle and most will be overweight on diagnosis. I lied because I didn’t want to explain the fact that even though I’m overweight, it wasn’t the cause of my disease. When I was diagnosed, I wasn’t overweight to start with. But that’s, again, more explanations on explanations and I’m just tired of having to explain all the time. So instead I chose to lie. I told her I had been diabetic since the age of 4. By saying that, I skipped the whole questionnaire process and simply had to explain the way my insulin pump worked. And I felt so bad. And I still do.

Why do we lie? To save time? To validate the way we feel and look? It makes no sense to me. But one thing I know is that whenever I lie, even if the lie is so tiny it wouldn’t hurt anyone, I feel horrible for days. A good quality, but also a bad one, as remorse is amplified ten times worth.

Do you lie to justify the way you look? Do you lie to save explaining things?

I have. And it’s bugging the creeps out of me.

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#DblogWeek – What they should know

“What is one thing you would tell someone that doesn’t have diabetes about living with diabetes?”.  Let’s do a little advocating and post what we wish people knew about diabetes.  Have more than one thing you wish people knew?  Go ahead and tell us everything.

Before my diagnosis, I knew nothing about diabetes. I thought diabetes was related to sugar. It had something to do with sugar anyways and that, for some reason, they had to carry this pouch and test their blood for god-knows-what.

That was my actually thinking. Honestly. I thought that people with diabetes couldn’t eat anything that had sugar in it. Shredded wheats, candy, Captain Crunch, cake, cookies… I didn’t think Diabetic people could eat all of those, and that there was sugar in basically everything. Even your common apple. I thought that an apple did not have any sugar.

That it was healthy.

Diabetes class (After my diagnosis) at the hospital brought me down to reality, gave me knowledge. But just a basic knowledge. you learn things about diabetes on your own, you get used to 5 shots a day or wearing a pump. Testing for blood doesn’t hurt anymore, for the most part, and so on.

What I wish people knew about diabetes… There’s a whole, giant list. And while I wish people were educated on that matter, it’s not my place to decide for them. They’re not sick. They don’t have to live with diabetes. I would educate them for type 2 prevention, but you can’t educate someone to prevent type 1. Type 1 just happens. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t know it existed. It found me. Or rather, my immune system found it.

I don’t want people to know what it’s like, to live with diabetes. What I want from people, is no judgement. But for them not to judge me, they would need to understand truly, what it’s like to live with diabetes. So I’d need to teach them -everything-.

And that’s never going to happen.

#DBlogWeek – One thing to improve.

Yesterday we gave ourselves and our loved ones a big pat on the back for one thing we are great at.  Today let’s look at the flip-side.  We probably all have one thing we could try to do better.  Why not make today the day we start working on it.  No judgments, no scolding, just sharing one small thing we can improve so the DOC can cheer us on!

When it comes to my flaws (and I have many of them), I’m not scared to admit them. I know I am a control freak, I like when things go my way. I know that I tend to burst in anger instead of assessing things (Never on a professional level though.) And I try to fix things, I work on my flaws, and sometimes it takes a while, sometimes only a matter of days. One thing I have not been doing ever since I gave birth to my son, diabetes wise, is to test my blood sugar before bed and right after I get up. And it’s important, you know, so that my BG stays nice during the whole 6 or 7 hours of sleep. If I have a BG of 10.5 (or 180mg) I would normally wait until it’s fixed. And I tend to never test. I have a snack at night, my pump beeps during sleep time for my BG reminder, I don’t hear it and keep on dreaming.

The next morning, I tend to my son; diaper change, sippy cup, cuddles, breakfast. It takes about half an hour or so before we sit down to have breakfast, and that’s when I test; right before eating. Most of the time my BG is good, but there are those crazy 2 weeks in the month where it’s not so good. Female hormones; gotta love ’em. Sometimes I test before breakfast and I’m not suprised to see a 15. (Or 270 for you mg readers).

I should test at those times. Having high blood sugar when you sleep, on long term, isn’t necessarily great. And then I’m mad at myself for losing this crazy control I used to have when I was pregnant.

And for not having a CGM.

#DBlogWeek – One great thing.

Living with diabetes (or caring for someone who lives with it) sure does take a lot of work, and it’s easy to be hard on ourselves if we aren’t “perfect”.  But today it’s time to give ourselves some much deserved credit.  Tell us about just one diabetes thing you (or your loved one) does spectacularly!  Fasting blood sugar checks, oral meds sorted and ready, something always on hand to treat a low, or anything that you do for diabetes.  Nothing is too big or too small to celebrate doing well!

This is kind of funny actually, because it makes me think about my brother Vincent and something that happened when I visited my father last week. It made me realize that I was somewhat of a pro at guessing Carb counts. And I’m pretty sure it takes a diabetic to do that, right?

When I go over to my father’s place, I don’t necessarily chose what I’m eating and most of the time I have to guess how much carbs there are in one meal in order to make the input in my insulin pump. Was that half a cup of rice or is there more? That meat marinated in a carb-loaded sauce all night… We go out to eat often… And that’s always a guess!

At home, I rarely have anything full of carbs, let alone ice cream or chips or even donuts. When I go over there, it’s Ice cream heaven. My brother Vincent is staying at their place for the summer because he works with my father when he’s not in college, and my step-mom buys so much ice cream, the freezer’s full. Yes, Vincent is an Ice Cream lover. No, he is not diabetic. But I am, and temptation is bad! One night, after a day of outside activities and fun under the sun, We had those Drumstick Ice cream cones – The Caramel ones – and they, were, GOOD.

So as I push the bolus button on my pump, I ask my brother “How many carbs are in one? 35? Check on the side of the box for me please.” And so he answers with “37! Clooooseee!” And then I have to ask “Fibers? Like 1?” and there was 1g fiber. So, 37 – 1 = 36. Pretty close for carb guess!

You know what he did? High five’d me for guessing right. Ooooh, Vincent, you’re a funny guy!

But I guess I am an awesome carb guesser. And for that reason, my blood sugar readings are often accurate even when I go out to eat.

Vincent feeding my son Aaden a yummy Oreo Ice cream sandwich. Mmmmmmm.

Surprise, Surprise…

Sometimes you feel like a failure. You think “Maybe I’m just meant to fail.” like everything you do turns to dust, never to gold. You never finish what you’ve started. Sometimes, you just have the wrong mindset.

It’s hard to get out of a mindset where everything seems to be falling apart. Everything around you is evolving quickly and you’re standing there, in the dark, with nowhere to go. I think it just takes one tiny thing to get out of this state and resume being you.

I was fairly happy last week, but not so about my performance with weight loss. Tracked my point system, but ate a lot of junk food. Drank more wine than I should’ve, didn’t move as much as I could. So I wasn’t expecting much with the scale, rather a gain than a loss. But, I still hopped on the scale this morning. Dreading it, loathing it, loathing myself. “I could’ve done better. And I didn’t.

That was my mindset.

But when sometimes you think you’re doing it wrong, for this and that reason, something works out for you anyways. And for that reason, I have lost 3 other pounds. 202 lbs. Huh!

All of a sudden,  my mindset changed. When I was seeing black, now I see positively. I realized that even though I didn’t do what I should’ve done, I have done what I could, and not worse. Because I could’ve ate junk all week, but I didn’t. Because I could’ve stayed at my computer all week, but I still played with my son and walked outside.

So sometimes, you might be discouraged, feeling blue, unworthy… All you need is a little tiny thing that’ll make you smile, and you keep on going.

Like every other things in life.

Silly things make me smile. You?

Busy world & sabotage

My last “official” post was on April 24th.  How it went by so quickly, I have no idea! I have been really busy with many things (preparing for the move on June 2nd, everyday challenges, spending time with my husband and son, and, believe it or not, playing online games).

Last weekend was the 1st official Beta weekend event from Guild Wars 2, an online game (Or MMO for those who are familiar with the term). My husband and I actually met on Guild Wars 1, so needless to say that GW2 has a lot of sentimental value for us. So during the weekend, we tried to spend as much time in the Beta as we could. (For those who don’t know, a beta is when the game opens for only a certain amount of players and that’s when we test for bugs, gameplay, give feedback, etc… Before the official release). We played so much, my butt hurt. Sitting for so long and not being used to it and all…

And so, when the Beta was over, I decided to work on another website, for GW2 fans, Chronicles Of Tyria. So no, I’m not sponsored by GW2 (ArenaNet) in any way, (Although I’d love to, HAH!) and that’s why it’s a fan site. If you love games, you can check it out. If you love writing, I suggest you check it out as well, because from time to time, I’m going to have some guest posts there. Plus, I’m currently building a forum for it.

So all of this website building stuff has had most of my time. It is very time consuming, especially when you’re new at it.

Diabetes wise: my blood sugars haven’t been all that great. I am not moving as much as I used to, so the new basals I had set up in my pump aren’t very accurate with a sedentary life. Less movement, less lows, more highs. You know the drill.

Weight loss wise: I haven’t touched a scale in two weeks. I am following my weight watchers point system (For the most part) but I’m not moving as much, so I am very reluctant to stepping on the scale tomorrow morning for a weight-in. I have no clue if I have gained weight, but I sure didn’t loss any. Pretty sure.

In other news, my husband is going back to work on monday for another 6 weeks, so I need to re-establish my routine and prepare for the move. Good thing we hired movers, or else I would assume fetal position, rock back and forth and hide under the kitchen table.

So… let’s see what tomorrow’s scale is going to do to me.

Diabetes and memory loss.

I had a half day off from being a mommy and wife yesterday as I took the road to my endocrinologist’s. Sunny day, sunglasses, lounge music… Driving an hour to go shopping and another hour to my appointment. (My endo is far away because I moved last year but kept her.) I left my son with my husband and, for the first time in a while, had some time to myself, for myself.

I spent about 45 minutes in my favourite book store. It felt good.

I was happy to see my endo and she was happy about my results and seeing the iBGStar in action, live, for the first time. She knew about it but never really had seen one in person, so going through my stats and multiple sections was fun for her. I could tell by the glint in her eyes. You know, like when you have something shiny in your hands. But I digress.

I remembered a small conversation I had with Leah about high BG and memory loss, so I asked my endo about it. And here’s what she told me.

High blood sugar and confusion come together. Just like low blood sugar’s confusion state, but in a less drastic way. However, high blood sugar is not linked to dementia or memory loss. Long term, low blood sugar is. And by long term, she said “Frequent low blood sugar over the lapse of 10, 15 years or more”. Your brain needs sugar in order to feed itself, and so the constant low level of sugar in your blood can lead to brain damage that cause memory loss, dementia and all those nasty things. She also said that this study was done on type 2 diabetics on insulin treatment and that type 1 diabetics did not have such a study. Because type 1 is rare and that type 2 has become an epidemic, they have not bothered to conduct the study within type 1s.

I’m assuming it’s the same, if not worse, with type 1s.

So there you have it. Low blood sugar can cause damage to your memory, as studies show. Hence why it’s so important to take care of your diabetes.

Oh, and my latest A1C? 6.2! Awesome!

Tiny post, big impact.

What’s YOUR reason?

 

Children’s mighty strength, parent’s broken heart.

When I went for blood tests last friday, the hospital was jammed pack. Mostly with old people and pregnant women as usual. I don’t stay very long or wait for my name to be called because of type 1 diabetes. When I am fasting for 12 hours, I get the privilege of cutting through the line and have my blood drawn as quickly as possible. I do get mean looks though. “Why is she going through? Isn’t she going to pick a number? They let her in and I’ve been waiting for 30 minutes!” I know that’s what they are thinking because if I wasn’t type 1 diabetic and know about my condition, I would probably think the same if I would see someone “healthy” cutting through the line.

“Sorry, my pancreas is busted. For life. I get priority.”

Sometimes, there’s a line and I need to wait behind other people while we wait, and I remember one time, clearly. While my mother was still alive, she would go with me every single time. I was old enough to drive and go by myself, but she would insist on driving me and be by my side. And one time as we were waiting in line, there were people talking in front of us saying how “Blood tests every two weeks is soooo much stress” and my mother would say something along the lines of “Well my daughter has at least 5 injections per day. For life.” The people would look at me and turn around, their conversations cut dry. Of course, my mother didn’t want to insult them, or even make it awkward for me to stand there, all eyes on me, wondering why I had to use needles 5 times a day.

And I remember my diagnosis, my mother crying next to me, seeing her as white as snow when they had to draw blood from me for several tests. No, not tiny vials, big jars. I had never seen this much blood drawn from a single person in my life, and while I was fascinated that I could live without that much blood loss, my mother would wait outside my hospital room and cry, comforted by my newly diagnosed with Crohne’s disease roommate’s mother. And I would tell her not to cry, that I was lucky to have been diagnosed on time (With a BG of 42 mmol… or 756mg) and that I would live. You have to know that I lost a sister when I was 17 and so my mother was having a mental break down. Would she lose another child? Would she become childless and go insane?

Now that I am a mother, I know exactly what she was feeling.

So back to the blood tests. I was sitting down, waiting for the nurse to come to me and do her magic, when a mother walks in with what looked like a no more than 2 years old little girl, and about 5 years old little boy. They both look fine, so I assume the woman didn’t have any babysitter and had to get blood tests done. But then she tells the little boy to sit on the chair. And he looks scared. Not petrified, but scared enough that his face goes white really quickly, but he still manages to keep his cool. Then the mother asks him if he wants his little sister sitting next to him, “to help” she says. The mother looks as stressed as she can, but tries to keep cool for her children.

My nurse comes, I extend my arm, she does her magic, but my eyes are on the little boy.

A nurse goes to him and explains the purpose of the instruments she’s using. He knows, I can tell. He’s been there before. And while I’m thinking to myself “It doesn’t hurt, it just pinches a little” I still remember how I felt seeing a big needle and my own blood escaping my body. So my heart goes for him and I feel my eyes fill up with water because I am now imagining my son sitting in that chair.

The little boy starts to cry as the needle goes in and all I want to do is go over there and hug him tightly and tell his sister, his two years old sister, that she’s very brave to want to help her big brother. And I want to hug the mother and tell her she’s strong and that everything is going to be alright.

I hear the nurse tell the little boy “It’s okay to cry sweety, don’t be ashamed, when we’re hurt or scared, we cry, it’s totally normal.” And while she’s drawing blood from him, she’s talking to him telling him that he is strong, that he’s lucky to have a little sister that loves him so much, she helps him.

My blood tests are done, I get up, grab my backpack, put on my sweater, give one last look of empathy to the little boy and walk out the hospital. I don’t know if he was diabetic or if the blood tests were meant for something else, but now tears are falling down my cheeks because I am SO glad it wasn’t my son sitting in that chair.

And a father walks towards me, talking to his little boy, saying “You’re not gonna cry, right? Please promise me you won’t cry.” And my empathy is gone, in an instant, as they come by me and past. I hear the little boy say “I promise.” But I can feel the fear in his voice.

Children cry, it’s totally normal. But as the little boy cried, I felt the mother was even stronger than anyone in the room. And probably even stronger than the father who walked past me.

Weight loss journey: Weight-in #4

One month in the making. Have I made it to my goal of losing 20 pounds? Sadly, no. I found that it was very difficult, especially with diabetes, to keep away from the “points”… The Calories. With a low comes orange juice and snacks. Glucose tablets don’t work fast enough for me and cost much more than a pack of 8 juices in the end. I’m glad to have found out through the last weeks that having my husband around didn’t impact my food choices! When we ate out, I always had something healthy when usually I would be inclined to go to McD’s or have an A&W mama burger. Topped with their onion rings of course. And even though it smells delicious, I want to taste freshness, not grease indulged food. That, and Aaden is a big motivation as I don’t want to share a burger with him, so I pick something healthier like a cajun chicken wrap with two choices of salads.

I trained this week more than I did last week. Bob Harper killed my arms this week. And my knees have become weaker but that’s another problem that goes along the lines of my carpal tunnel syndrome waking me in the middle of the night despite the wrist brace. And sharp pains in my joints that I associate with possible arthritis. At 30. Awesome. Who wants to meet a girl who didn’t care about her body enough that at 30 she’s got the body of a 70 year old’s? Don’t look too far, you’re reading her blog!

Whoa there nellie, let’s not get -too- negative! Focus on the positive, right? That’s what I tell myself when I step on the scale lately. Last week was zero loss. This week; one pound. 205. Still a loss, I know, but it gets discouraging to see the scale glare at me with it’s digital numbers of hell. Of course it’s 11 pounds gone, and this actually marks 5% body weight, also gone! Something I should be celebrating. Why am I not happy with the number? Why do I keep stressing myself out?

I had a conversation yesterday with my husband as we were eating at our favourite vegetarian restaurant, and one subject became another and lead to him telling me that I am stressed all the time. I don’t enjoy (Or well don’t look like I am enjoying) my days. If something’s not done, like the dishes or laundry, I go into interior rage mode and fume from the inside. And I have to work on that. I want everything done in one day, and sometimes, I don’t realize that it’s at my son’s and husband’s cost. I need to find a moment and relax. Accept the fact that I am not a “supermom” or “super wife” and that I should take things lightly. Well, most things. I need to find a book that will somewhat teach me how to do those things. I need to chill out on several things; cleaning, moving, packing, daily chores, missing my family, losing a long time friend, accept major change… And never -ever- let my husband and son down. Those are the most important people in my life, the ones that matter most.

At least I’m aware of what I need to change, right? Step 1, denial… Step 2…

What is step 2 anyways?

This moment yesterday was one of the few where I just stopped doing everything I was doing and smiled. Enjoyed the fact that my son is the most wonderful thing to happen to me. Ever.

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