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DiabeticallyYours

Living life as a Type 1 Diabetic.

Archive for the tag “story”

So close! Yet… Well, still so close!

Did I eat subway today? YUP. That means a lost eliminated more weight! Yay!

And I reached a goal today; to eliminate 5% of my body weight. And I did it! Another Yay! I’m still not under two hundred though, but I’m really close to it. Next week will be the moment, I know it.

Something else happened today; as I was at my meeting, I was talking to my coach and she offered me a part time job with them! Granted, I’ll just be at the reception, but it’s really cool to have been offered that. Twice a week, a little bit of money in our pockets to be able to pay some of our debts, I was really happy that -she- approached -me- for that job.

Other than that, I’ve started a new vlog channel!

YAY!

So here’s my first video, which is a pre-pilot. Is that a thing? Can it be a thing?

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Crazy busy, crazy BG.

OH dear gods.

Hi! It’s me again! I’m… Back! Somehow! It’s been one crazy ride through the gaming community on my part.

All this started with me starting a blog about a game I really love, Guild Wars 2. It’s actually a fan site and, after ArenaNet promoted it on their Facebook page, it boomed. I got really busy managing this community and, well, I was in the process of moving, too! So, creating a new community, moving to a new city, packing, unpacking, then new plans about Chronicles of Tyria (The community) with a brand new podcast, contests, holy gee I’m extremely busy. Being with Aaden, alone at home (My husband got another contract in another province!) I’m managing a community, a podcast, a toddler, a house and, most importantly, diabetes.

How hard is it to manage diabetes when you’ve got crazy events going on? Well, I’m really not good at it, to be honest. I need to setup a routine. I need to start working out again. (Oh yeah, don’t get me started on my weight loss journey, because that went down the Drain!) Good news is; Aaden is starting daycare at the end of August. So I’ll be able to work during the day on the community (Right now I ‘work’ until 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning and during Aaden’s naps) and I’ll get some more sleep.

The upside of working so hard is that the community is blooming. We’ve hit more than 80 subscribers in 2 weeks for our podcast, more than 2.5k views! Super stoked about it!

Downside; I’m not testing my BG as often as I could. Sometimes I end up having hypos during the podcast recordings, so I have to set my mic on mute and drink a juice box. Not the best diabetes management. Sometimes I test before meals and I’m at 15. What was that about? Oh, right… I didn’t test before breakfast because I was answering emails, keeping  up with Facebook and twitter, scheduling meet ups… And the list goes on.

Also, I’d like to point out something to people who say that “Being a stay at home mom give you all the time in the world to do everything you need to do”.

Having a baby/toddler/kid at home is like being at work. But work lasts around, oh, ALL DAY, you get no break and you have to cook meals for your boss on top of it. It’s all fun and games when we go to the park, when we cuddle after we played for a while, but you’re always busy non the less. You pick up toys; constantly. You do groceries but really, you have to hurry up so you can get home before lunch, prepare lunch, undo bags, feed your kid, put him to bed for his nap and then, you get to sit down for about 15 minutes. Afterwhich you need to do the dishes, clean whatever mess you left in the kitchen and all the food your son threw on the ground because it looked like the best thing to do at the time… And then, you prepare things for diner and work a little if you can.

I’m not sure I want to list all the things you need to do, but having to manage diabetes on TOP of it all, I find extremely difficult.  Sometimes I don’t test before bed anymore. I’m so extremely tired that I flop in bed, sometimes still dressed, just to get up in the morning and since, lather, repeat.

Here’s a little look see at my very bad diabetes management. Don’t be scared!

Courtesy of my super duper iBGStar which is neglected!

 

When I went to see my endo last april… She said my control was excellent. I wonder how disappointed she would be right now.

And somehow, I wish more people would understand what it feels like to live with diabetes. Maybe they would give me a break sometimes!

I will be updating my blog more often, that’s for sure. I won’t be rambling much on the community, but more about diabetes and about being a mom, you know, things I used to be blogging about Haha!

Tiny post, big impact.

What’s YOUR reason?

 

Children’s mighty strength, parent’s broken heart.

When I went for blood tests last friday, the hospital was jammed pack. Mostly with old people and pregnant women as usual. I don’t stay very long or wait for my name to be called because of type 1 diabetes. When I am fasting for 12 hours, I get the privilege of cutting through the line and have my blood drawn as quickly as possible. I do get mean looks though. “Why is she going through? Isn’t she going to pick a number? They let her in and I’ve been waiting for 30 minutes!” I know that’s what they are thinking because if I wasn’t type 1 diabetic and know about my condition, I would probably think the same if I would see someone “healthy” cutting through the line.

“Sorry, my pancreas is busted. For life. I get priority.”

Sometimes, there’s a line and I need to wait behind other people while we wait, and I remember one time, clearly. While my mother was still alive, she would go with me every single time. I was old enough to drive and go by myself, but she would insist on driving me and be by my side. And one time as we were waiting in line, there were people talking in front of us saying how “Blood tests every two weeks is soooo much stress” and my mother would say something along the lines of “Well my daughter has at least 5 injections per day. For life.” The people would look at me and turn around, their conversations cut dry. Of course, my mother didn’t want to insult them, or even make it awkward for me to stand there, all eyes on me, wondering why I had to use needles 5 times a day.

And I remember my diagnosis, my mother crying next to me, seeing her as white as snow when they had to draw blood from me for several tests. No, not tiny vials, big jars. I had never seen this much blood drawn from a single person in my life, and while I was fascinated that I could live without that much blood loss, my mother would wait outside my hospital room and cry, comforted by my newly diagnosed with Crohne’s disease roommate’s mother. And I would tell her not to cry, that I was lucky to have been diagnosed on time (With a BG of 42 mmol… or 756mg) and that I would live. You have to know that I lost a sister when I was 17 and so my mother was having a mental break down. Would she lose another child? Would she become childless and go insane?

Now that I am a mother, I know exactly what she was feeling.

So back to the blood tests. I was sitting down, waiting for the nurse to come to me and do her magic, when a mother walks in with what looked like a no more than 2 years old little girl, and about 5 years old little boy. They both look fine, so I assume the woman didn’t have any babysitter and had to get blood tests done. But then she tells the little boy to sit on the chair. And he looks scared. Not petrified, but scared enough that his face goes white really quickly, but he still manages to keep his cool. Then the mother asks him if he wants his little sister sitting next to him, “to help” she says. The mother looks as stressed as she can, but tries to keep cool for her children.

My nurse comes, I extend my arm, she does her magic, but my eyes are on the little boy.

A nurse goes to him and explains the purpose of the instruments she’s using. He knows, I can tell. He’s been there before. And while I’m thinking to myself “It doesn’t hurt, it just pinches a little” I still remember how I felt seeing a big needle and my own blood escaping my body. So my heart goes for him and I feel my eyes fill up with water because I am now imagining my son sitting in that chair.

The little boy starts to cry as the needle goes in and all I want to do is go over there and hug him tightly and tell his sister, his two years old sister, that she’s very brave to want to help her big brother. And I want to hug the mother and tell her she’s strong and that everything is going to be alright.

I hear the nurse tell the little boy “It’s okay to cry sweety, don’t be ashamed, when we’re hurt or scared, we cry, it’s totally normal.” And while she’s drawing blood from him, she’s talking to him telling him that he is strong, that he’s lucky to have a little sister that loves him so much, she helps him.

My blood tests are done, I get up, grab my backpack, put on my sweater, give one last look of empathy to the little boy and walk out the hospital. I don’t know if he was diabetic or if the blood tests were meant for something else, but now tears are falling down my cheeks because I am SO glad it wasn’t my son sitting in that chair.

And a father walks towards me, talking to his little boy, saying “You’re not gonna cry, right? Please promise me you won’t cry.” And my empathy is gone, in an instant, as they come by me and past. I hear the little boy say “I promise.” But I can feel the fear in his voice.

Children cry, it’s totally normal. But as the little boy cried, I felt the mother was even stronger than anyone in the room. And probably even stronger than the father who walked past me.

Weight loss journey: Weight-in #4

One month in the making. Have I made it to my goal of losing 20 pounds? Sadly, no. I found that it was very difficult, especially with diabetes, to keep away from the “points”… The Calories. With a low comes orange juice and snacks. Glucose tablets don’t work fast enough for me and cost much more than a pack of 8 juices in the end. I’m glad to have found out through the last weeks that having my husband around didn’t impact my food choices! When we ate out, I always had something healthy when usually I would be inclined to go to McD’s or have an A&W mama burger. Topped with their onion rings of course. And even though it smells delicious, I want to taste freshness, not grease indulged food. That, and Aaden is a big motivation as I don’t want to share a burger with him, so I pick something healthier like a cajun chicken wrap with two choices of salads.

I trained this week more than I did last week. Bob Harper killed my arms this week. And my knees have become weaker but that’s another problem that goes along the lines of my carpal tunnel syndrome waking me in the middle of the night despite the wrist brace. And sharp pains in my joints that I associate with possible arthritis. At 30. Awesome. Who wants to meet a girl who didn’t care about her body enough that at 30 she’s got the body of a 70 year old’s? Don’t look too far, you’re reading her blog!

Whoa there nellie, let’s not get -too- negative! Focus on the positive, right? That’s what I tell myself when I step on the scale lately. Last week was zero loss. This week; one pound. 205. Still a loss, I know, but it gets discouraging to see the scale glare at me with it’s digital numbers of hell. Of course it’s 11 pounds gone, and this actually marks 5% body weight, also gone! Something I should be celebrating. Why am I not happy with the number? Why do I keep stressing myself out?

I had a conversation yesterday with my husband as we were eating at our favourite vegetarian restaurant, and one subject became another and lead to him telling me that I am stressed all the time. I don’t enjoy (Or well don’t look like I am enjoying) my days. If something’s not done, like the dishes or laundry, I go into interior rage mode and fume from the inside. And I have to work on that. I want everything done in one day, and sometimes, I don’t realize that it’s at my son’s and husband’s cost. I need to find a moment and relax. Accept the fact that I am not a “supermom” or “super wife” and that I should take things lightly. Well, most things. I need to find a book that will somewhat teach me how to do those things. I need to chill out on several things; cleaning, moving, packing, daily chores, missing my family, losing a long time friend, accept major change… And never -ever- let my husband and son down. Those are the most important people in my life, the ones that matter most.

At least I’m aware of what I need to change, right? Step 1, denial… Step 2…

What is step 2 anyways?

This moment yesterday was one of the few where I just stopped doing everything I was doing and smiled. Enjoyed the fact that my son is the most wonderful thing to happen to me. Ever.

The strength of a non diabetic husband.

I don’t mention my husband a lot in my blog, unless it’s to say that he’s working for my son and I really hard, gone weeks at a time. But I feel the need to take at least one blog post (this one) to brag talk about him.

His name is Aaron and he is Taiwanese. GASP. Interracial couple! No wonder why Aaden is so cute, right? Aaron is actually from the United States, Wisconsin to be exact. Me being from Canada, the french province of Quebec no less, makes you think “Oh, they’ve met online!” and you’re right. But we didn’t meet on a dating site nor FaceBook, we met on an online game called Guild Wars, being in the same guild, doing quests and missions together… Until out relationship grew, decided to meet offline and he bought a plane ticket to come see me. Then I decided to sponsor him as he moved here with me. Long and expensive process, but very worth it.

I want the world to know that I’m head over heels in love with this man. I want to shout how much I’m lucky to have him in my life. Through thick and thin he’s stuck with me; my mother’s cancer, her death, my depression after her passing, the process of getting my new insulin pump, my tough pregnancy with Aaden… Every step of the way, he had a shoulder for me to cry on, a smile to keep me going, a juice box for my lows to be fixed.  And then my father got him a life changing job that would require him to be gone weeks at a time, working on hydro dams, far off into the north in different provinces. He missed Aaden’s birth. He missed Aaden’s first steps, his first birthday… And even though he misses us (and we miss him) he is working his butt off for us. 7 days a week, 77 hours of work per week. To bring in the money for us to live well, for me to be able to enjoy my insulin pump and not go back to the horrid shots. My husband, through everything, has always had a smile for me, good words of encouragement, even when I would cry on Skype and he couldn’t hug me, comfort me, he in his own way would find a way to be able to anyway.

The fact that he is so in tuned with my diabetes shock me sometimes. I say “Juice.” and he knows I’m low. If I’m low, he knows the confusion and anger I’m projecting isn’t personal. He drops everything he’s doing in an instant and comes to my rescue, my hero in shining armour. When I had highs during my pregnancy and that I would spend sleepless nights, testing every hour to bring it down as quickly as possible, crying over the fact that I didn’t want to hurt Aaden as he was being created in my womb, he would sit next to me and tell me everything was going to be okay. When I cried when I got my pump because I thought my mother would be so proud of me, he held my hand and squeezed it gently, letting me know that he agreed in silence. When I would realize I almost had no insulin left in my vial, he would get dressed and go to the drug store in a heart beat. I would test, I’d see a 2.3mmol (41mg) and I’d tell him the number, he would run to the fridge to grab me a juice box. He’s not diabetic, but he understands the numbers. He learned, to be in tune with me. To understand me, and be part of my diabetic life.

Taken from Type 1 diabetes Meme Facebook page.

Did I mention that my husband is going to turn 23 in june? Young to have all this put on his shoulders, but he stuck with me, all these years. And I’m so very thankful for him.

Oh yeah, he is also coming back TODAY! For a few weeks before the has to go back. But not to worry, I will be blogging just the same.

Our wedding day, October 2008

Weight loss: weight-in #2

What a week! Actually, it’s been pretty boring for the most part, non-dabetic wise; rain, cold, no walks outside unless it’s to go to the car and drive to the grocery store. I think it’s the only outings I’ve done with my son and it showed! He got back at me almost all week, Mr. Grumpy face. Well, the fact that four, yes FOUR teeth are coming out is making him extra grumpy, so it doesn’t help. But no park trip, no walks outside, just plain old inside watching Baby TV when we’re not playing games or I’m not doing house chores or playing Zumba.

Diabetic wise, my body decided to step up and kick my butt. I had to put my basal rate at 75% basically all week and I blame that one two things; weight loss and physical activities. I’m moving. A whole lot than I was before I started this weight loss journey. When I sit on the couch, I remind myself “Isn’t there anything else to do that would require me to actually move?” and then there’s something. There is -always- something to do. Dishes, vacuuming, cleaning, playing with my son, you name it. So I was low more often than I was high. Look see for yourself!

See all the red dots? Those are lows from this week. Eek!

So for all the calories I would spend, I would eat back a lot. Orange juice, followed by bananas or nuts.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

And this is how I felt for most of the week...

I wasn’t expecting much change in my weight. I mean, my pants have become slightly looser, but I blamed that on wearing them like three times in a row and them becoming stretched. Although when I looked in the mirror, my “muffin top” looks more like a “bread top”. Love handles that are asking for still too much love. So this morning, I hopped on the scale. And then I remembered; yesterday was a bad day before a weight-in! Went to my uncle’s, ate lasagna, a Tiramisu, drank a glass of wine and had a scoop of maple ice cream… Yup, I busted my Weight Watcher’s points and went into those cheat points. I should have weighted myself beforehand, but oh well. Let’s see…

So as I stepped on the scale, thinking about my week, the orange juice at 90 calories a glass, had about 15 to 20 of those for sure… My night before, where all the good foods crashed in my system… But took in account all the Zumba I’ve danced, the soccer I played with my son, the cleaning I’ve done… And I stared at the scale at what seemed like an eternity before it showed me the numbers.

206.4 Lbs.

Two hundred and six (point four). From last week, I have made it to my goal of losing 5 lbs once again! I’ve lost five pounds! So that means that I’ve lost 10 lbs since the beginning of my weight loss journey! Me! Someone who is blaming everything on the fact that being diabetic is contributing to my weight gain. That being diabetic makes it even harder to lose weight. (It -is- true though…) That for all these years, I’ve blamed it on being diabetic and my crazy insulin intake, the lows, having to drink juice all the time… And I’ve lost more weight in two weeks than I have in about 10 months.

I can do this. Today, I’ve realized that yes, I can do this!

And I’ve got to keep that line going downwards!

Oh no! No more insulin!

I’m leaving for the weekend tomorrow for my step mother’s birthday. A 2 hours ride for Aaden and I. I love it there, in fact, I’m going to move there in less than 3 months!

So I’m sitting on the couch, watching TV after I put Aaden to bed and my insulin pump beeps, warning me in caps “LOW RESERVOIR”. Argh! I remember that it had warned me at dinner time so I waste no minutes and get up, grab my reservoirs and the insulin vial. Butterfingers. Miss butterfingers. That should be my last name. Not Chiang, Butterfingers. Drop the vial on the ceramic floor. Crash goes the vial, splash goes the insulin. And it was a new bottle so there is no substitute. I look at the time. The pharmacy is already closed at that time. Look at how much insulin I have left in my reservoir; 4.4 units. A total of 4 hours and 27 minutes left.

And the adventures of miss butterfingers begin.

That means that I will have about 9 to 10 hours without insulin. I will have to go to the pharmacy as soon as it opens tomorrow so I can eat breakfast (In PJs if I have to!) and then rush to do everything before I leave for my weekend. I’ve never have this happen to me though, it’s a full first time since 2006.

I’m sure I’ll be fine, but my Blood Glucose will be high tomorrow morning that’s for sure…

Anyone have their insulin vials break before? Be without insulin for 10 hours or so?

You did what, mommy?!

That crazy thing called parenting.

I’ve found in the past 14 months (Minus 4 days) that nothing could prepare me for what parenting is like. There are NO books, NO videos, NO magazines and absolutely NO person that can actually shape you into a parent. It just happens.

Oh sure, I’ve read books during my pregnancy to prepare me for my labour, had pre natal classes, read on what to feed my son when he’s 5 months old… Little did these books know, I would only follow a few steps of what they were teaching.

My labour turned out nothing like in the books; I didn’t breath like they were saying, I didn’t follow any kind of measures they wanted me to take. Well, I couldn’t walk much because they had a heartbeat thing attached to my skin so they could follow Aaden’s heartbeat through my contractions. The Anaesthetist that gave me my epidural missed 4 times and so I felt most of everything. I was induced because of Diabetes, at 38 weeks. My labour was only 4 hours and a half. 30 minutes of which I was under the epidural’s half effectiveness.

When came the time to breastfeed, my hormones refused to produce any milk at all, so Aaden was put on formula very soon. I knew nothing about formula as I thought I would have been breastfeeding the whole time. And from then, my son gave me the best gift ever; Patience. Fellow blogger JourneyIntoType1 confirmed this to me as her children taught her the same, as I was reading in her blog.

The toughest thing about parenting I think is doing most of it alone. My husband (who is the most wonderful man in the world, no joke!) works in different provinces so I am left with Aaden 24/7 for periods going from 3 weeks two 2 months at a time. At first, I had help from some people, but life happens and, believe me, I found out that having kids creates new friends, but you also lose a few in the process. Even those you think you would not lose. They are not ready to see you as a mother. They prefer going out rather than hanging out with you just for a cup of tea. They don’t want this family life thrown into their faces too, so they quit you. You become another person, a responsible, set on a constant schedule, new person. And you learn to do things on your own, without having the help of others.

My parents will always be there for me, that I know. (Well, not my mother as she passed away in 2008, though I know that her and my sister are watching me from up there.) But I cannot count on any other person other than them, My husband and one or two friends.

That crazy thing called parenting isn’t only about parenting alone, I found. It’s about rediscovering yourself. Learning about your weakness and your strengths, gaining skills and becoming this role model for a tiny little you.

Today, I am grateful for my son. He came into this world and at only 14 months old, taught me so much more than I thought I could ever learn. Patience, responsibilities, having purpose, becoming a bodyguard, nurse, teacher and mother at the same time, but most of all, I discovered true love because of him. This unconditional love, even if he doesn’t listen to me, even if he keeps throwing his food on the ground at meal times, even if he is grumpy, or even when he wakes me up at night. I love him, for everything that he is, and I can thank him today for blessing my world with his being.

And all that, while being a type 1 diabetic. I will fight diabetes on a daily basis even more than before, because I want to be here for him, always.

[/End of emotional parenting rant.]

Aaden and I, on his birth day

Weight loss journey: part 1

Weight loss. How I envy people who find it easy. For years (And even before I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes) I’ve struggled with my weight, tried to lose it, cope with it, hate it and love it. At one point I did have extra baggage but I was still beautiful. I think the peak of my beauty was seen at my wedding, but what woman isn’t pretty on her big day? (Okay, there are some but you’re missing the point here!) I look at those pictures today and wish I could go back there and slap myself for thinking I was fat! That crazy woman who got married in 2008 definitely grew, matured through the years, but gained a whole lot of weight. 52 pounds to be exact. (Ouch!)

I like to follow bloggers that are active, that lose weight, that love life, that can achieve so much just with their will power and recently I’ve found two bloggers who love to run and blog about it. And even though I am not in shape to run a marathon, I am excited for them, strangers as they may be. I would love to run a marathon (and call me crazy for wanting to run it with my son in his stroller HAH!) and so it feels like I’m running with them. I’m talking about RunningWithInsulin and Insulin Runner (Yes, they are type 1 diabetics as well! Strong will let me tell ya!) But both of them, and especially the post on RunningWithInsulin are also beginning to inspire me. They are diabetics. They Run. They can do both and maintain a healthy lifestyle. They can do it. And I’m starting to think I can too.

For the past year I’ve given myself the ultimate reason not to lose the weight. I’ve got not time, too tired.” My husband works in a different province so I am alone with my 1 year old son 24/7, weeks at a time. And being a mom is insanely hard at the beginning when you’re alone. I would not sleep at night, I was tired all the time, I would go crazy if I couldn’t clean the house, do the dishes, the laundry, the groceries… Until I’ve learnt to put priorities in order. So what if the dishes aren’t done? It’s okay for two dust bunnies to hang out under the couch for a couple of days, right? And then something magical happened. Aaden (My son) decided it was time to sleep all night. From 7:30PM to 6:00 AM. I. Can. Sleep. And then the “Too tired” excuse slowly left.

There is no excuse now. I’m a stay at home mom. I’ve all the time in the world, right? Well, not all of it, but more than most moms!

My husband left again yesterday, so this morning, I got up (Well, Aaden woke me up), ate breakfast with my son, got dressed, dressed him up and went on on a walk. It’s beautiful today, too! I walked (Fast paced of course) 2.2KM (Which is 1.36miles). Not a lot, but it’s a beginning. And instead of grabbing a coffee at Tim Hortons, I grabbed myself a green tea! Small changes, beginning of something, for sure.

I think that by blogging about my weight loss I might actually do it this time. Let’s set myself a goal; Lose 62 pounds by March 12, 2013.  That means go from 212lbs (I know. Ouch.) to 150lbs in a year.

Aiming too high? Or reachable goal? 

This is me at my wedding, 160lbs.

And this is me at 212 lbs… Long way to go!

(No, I’m not the one with the white beard, I’m the Eggplant on the right!)

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