I’m really craving Cheerios right now, I wonder why…
Did I eat subway today? YUP. That means a
lost eliminated more weight! Yay!
And I reached a goal today; to eliminate 5% of my body weight. And I did it! Another Yay! I’m still not under two hundred though, but I’m really close to it. Next week will be the moment, I know it.
Something else happened today; as I was at my meeting, I was talking to my coach and she offered me a part time job with them! Granted, I’ll just be at the reception, but it’s really cool to have been offered that. Twice a week, a little bit of money in our pockets to be able to pay some of our debts, I was really happy that -she- approached -me- for that job.
Other than that, I’ve started a new vlog channel!
So here’s my first video, which is a pre-pilot. Is that a thing? Can it be a thing?
Oh wednesdays. You come so quickly. It’s like I have one weight-in and, no workouts later, you’re there again. Despite not working out (much… I mean I did, but not as good as I should’ve) and my blood sugar acting up because it’s that time of the month again (curse you hormones!) I still managed to eliminate close to 2 pounds. 1.8, to be exact. So wait a minute… I’m less than two pounds away from being in ONEderland. Under 200 lbs. I have not been under two hundred pounds since I was pregnant with my son. Next week, I will reach my 5% gone. 5% of bad ‘me’, gone!
Oh, I am celebrating by eating a Subway sandwich, of course!
So, more weight, gone. Not lost, gone.
As I was listening to my coach today, she was explaining that most of our achievements, we do because we trust we can do them. It’s all a matter of perception. There’s a reason we tell ourselves “I can do this” and then achieve what we wanted. We tell our brain that we can. We program it to surpass our expectations.
When we say “I’ve lost 10 pounds”, it’s as if we tell ourselves, our brains, “I’ve lost my car keys”. We (our brain/subconscious) think constantly “So where did I put them? Where did I leave them last?” and we eventually see it. We wake up in the middle of the night going “ah-HA! I can almost touch them, I know where they are.” because our brain is constantly looking for that answer. So if we tell ourselves “I’ve lost 10 pounds”, will our subconscious look for them? Will we re-gain them? Because we didn’t eliminate them, we lost them.
I once was lost, but now I’m found. Back with the 10 pounds I was looking for.
Does that make sense? Do you think it’s something you could use in your daily vocabulary? To “eliminate”?
In 2013, I want to be healthy.
In 2013, I will be healthy.
See what I did there? Perception. Programming our brains to think differently. Positively. As if we’ve already won.
It’s interesting, so I’ve decided to implement this as of today. But here’s the thing. I’m stepping it up with saying “In 2013, I am a better mom.“
To be a better mom, I need to make sure my son eats healthily. I need to make sure he moves a lot. I need to make sure I share with him every little thing. I need to make sure he knows I’m the best mom I can be. This also means I’ve got to stay on track with diabetes. Manage it well. Make my nurse/endocrinologist proud. Live longer.
No being lazy. More playtime. Sure, a little fast food doesn’t hurt (Unless you’re exceptionally strict on yourself) so the occasional McD’s will be on the menu, but not more than once a month.
Make sure he is happy, healthy, properly disciplined, etc. That means more work for me, but will be so worth it.
So. In 2013, I am a better mom.
What are you, in 2013?
When I was younger, if I’d have a great report card, my mother would get me the shirt I’ve been wanting, or the video game that just came out. Sometimes, she would even take me, alone, to the restaurant and it would be our night out, just the two of us. When I would help her around the house a few weeks in a row, she would reward me by taking me out to the movies or another night out to the restaurant. This was our treat. This was my reward for being productive or for achieving great things.
5 years ago, my mother passed away and I’ve made a discovery very recently (actually about a few hours ago) while I was listening to my weight loss coach. She was talking about rewards. “How do you reward yourself?” she asked, and I kind of shrugged, not really knowing the answer.
“Reward for what?” is all I could answer back.
She kind of smiled and I started to realize where she was going with that. “You’ve kept the house clean longer than you should’ve. You’ve worked out six times last week instead of three or four. You’ve surpassed yourself in something. How do you celebrate this? How do you reward yourself?” and I already knew the answer.
“Sweets. Chips. Something that tastes good.”
And it’s true. If I would step inside a supermarket and see something I shouldn’t be eating during this weight loss, like a peanut butter chocolate cup (Or Reese’s Pieces) or even chips I haven’t had in a while… If they are on special, I’ll think back; “Do I deserve this? Of course I do! This week I was awesome with this and that so I deserve it.”
So in order to reward myself because of something I’ve done, I’ll sabotage it right back by eating something I ‘enjoy’. Chocolate. Chips. Skittles. Ice cream from Cold Stone. High calories intakes, all the time, every time. The biggest thing would be to go to Boston Pizza and think that I ‘deserve’ the food because I’ve been great at something.
I have not learned how to reward myself properly because I let my mother do it for me.
It’s as simple as that. And so, starting today, I’ve decided that in order to reward myself, I need to put goals. When these goals are reached, I will indeed reward myself. It can be food, but healthy one. It can be things for around the house, but not expensive, and nothing useless.
Something that will make me happy and will leave me feeling happy after I obtained it. Fast food usually has a tendency to make me feel bad after I eat it and then I step back and wonder “Did I really need this?”. So, as of right now, I am setting goals for myself.
Goal # 1 : At every weight loss every week (so, on wednesdays); I get to eat a low fat Subway sandwich. They are delicious and healthy. No side orders, just the sandwich. And believe me, it’s a treat for me! I absolutely love them.
Goal #2 : when I reach my 5% weight loss for my goal; I will get myself a nice material from Fabricville to make a pretty tablecloth.
Goal #3: When I lose 20 lbs from my weight loss start; (Well, I’m not sure yet).
I’ll have to make a goal list and write down things I want to do when I reach those goals.
Oh. As for today’s weight-in? I’ve lost 3.6lbs. I am 2.6lbs away from my 5% weight loss.
I think I can lose that in one week, what do you think?
And how will you reward yourself today?
I rarely lie. Very rarely. The reason is simple; I’m a lousy liar and get trampled in the lies. I like being truthful anyways; it’s less trouble and I feel much better about myself. I do lie on occasion though, random little white lies everyone makes. “Hey, how are you doing?” to which I would reply “I’m fine!” when I’m not. You know, the usual little white lies we so often do on a regular basis. Just so we don’t annoy anyone or don’t hurt their feelings. So why did I lie to my weight loss coach? I had to ask myself that question for a while before I found the right answer.
No one wants to feel shame. No one wants to accept that we fail and everyone wants to give proper explanation to everyone to justify the way they look, talk, eat, etc… And why do we? Is society that bad that we want to protect our image to the point of resembling the “normal” standards? Let me explain…
I’ve been starting this weight loss journey (Lost 2 lbs so far… Definitely not a big loss, but it’s a loss!) to be healthy, to stay alive, to be there for my son. I hate the way I look, so of course that’s another reason. As I was talking with my coach, she wanted explanations regarding my type 1 diabetes. She knew what type 2 was but had never met someone with type 1. Granted, type 1 diabetics only represent about 5% of all diabetics. It’s a much different disease and it’s hard to make people understand. It should be carrying a whole different name as it is. And through all these years, I’ve had to constantly explain to people what Type 1 diabetes was; show them that it’s not at all like type 2s, and that before it being called type 1 diabetes, it was called (And still is to this day) juvenile diabetes because most diabetics would be diagnosed under the age of 10. So then, why did I become diabetic at age 24? Type 1 diabetes is an auto-immune disease and it attacks the beta cells in your pancreas, destroying them and taking away your ability to produce insulin. Simple as that. But not so simple when you don’t know the disease and really not simple when people question your age and the disease.
So, I lied. I didn’t want to explain how it got there, why it chose me, give statistics and whatnot, but most of all, I didn’t want to battle and explain that it wasn’t because I’m fat. Most type 2 diabetics become diabetics because of an unhealthy lifestyle and most will be overweight on diagnosis. I lied because I didn’t want to explain the fact that even though I’m overweight, it wasn’t the cause of my disease. When I was diagnosed, I wasn’t overweight to start with. But that’s, again, more explanations on explanations and I’m just tired of having to explain all the time. So instead I chose to lie. I told her I had been diabetic since the age of 4. By saying that, I skipped the whole questionnaire process and simply had to explain the way my insulin pump worked. And I felt so bad. And I still do.
Why do we lie? To save time? To validate the way we feel and look? It makes no sense to me. But one thing I know is that whenever I lie, even if the lie is so tiny it wouldn’t hurt anyone, I feel horrible for days. A good quality, but also a bad one, as remorse is amplified ten times worth.
Do you lie to justify the way you look? Do you lie to save explaining things?
I have. And it’s bugging the creeps out of me.
Huh. Where do I start?
Well, I should start by thanking Moments of Wonderful for voting this blog post “Best Post by a Type 1” for the year 2012! It’s really nice to know that people are reading your words and acknowledging them for what they are and taking the time to stop and read them, in the first place. What comes through from the heart is what I think is most popular, for any kind of blog. True words will always reach your readers; that’s one thing I learned. So thank you, for reading me. Even though I have put this blog on the shelf for a bit and let it gather dust, now’s the time for me to stay focused, once again. But this time, permanently. No more shrugging, no more excuses.
I’ve had a little health scare before the holidays and it made me realize that I’ve put aside my well being much too often for different reasons. It’s time I take action. It’s time I stay committed, that I make this change for not only me, but my son, my husband, my family. I need this. I want it. Very badly.
I’ll soon have Vlogs that I will add to my posts. Sometimes, a video can reach your audience better than words, too.
So you must’ve guessed that I have not lost the weight I wanted to lose last year. I actually regained most of it. Urgh. Talk about a let downer. Again, I’m not going to make excuses. Despite the time I have to spend in front of the computer, despite my cravings, the binging… I could have done something much better about it. But I didn’t. And yes, I do regret it, but now’s not the time to dwell on negative things. I need to look forward. To see myself where the goal is. To enjoy every little victories and every little failures as well. Never to dwell on those, though.
Starting tomorrow, there will be a new me.
Regular activities, several glucose tests per day, better monitoring of my diabetes, better lifestyle, a whole lot of changes.
And I will stick to it.
Sometimes you feel like a failure. You think “Maybe I’m just meant to fail.” like everything you do turns to dust, never to gold. You never finish what you’ve started. Sometimes, you just have the wrong mindset.
It’s hard to get out of a mindset where everything seems to be falling apart. Everything around you is evolving quickly and you’re standing there, in the dark, with nowhere to go. I think it just takes one tiny thing to get out of this state and resume being you.
I was fairly happy last week, but not so about my performance with weight loss. Tracked my point system, but ate a lot of junk food. Drank more wine than I should’ve, didn’t move as much as I could. So I wasn’t expecting much with the scale, rather a gain than a loss. But, I still hopped on the scale this morning. Dreading it, loathing it, loathing myself. “I could’ve done better. And I didn’t.”
That was my mindset.
But when sometimes you think you’re doing it wrong, for this and that reason, something works out for you anyways. And for that reason, I have lost 3 other pounds. 202 lbs. Huh!
All of a sudden, my mindset changed. When I was seeing black, now I see positively. I realized that even though I didn’t do what I should’ve done, I have done what I could, and not worse. Because I could’ve ate junk all week, but I didn’t. Because I could’ve stayed at my computer all week, but I still played with my son and walked outside.
So sometimes, you might be discouraged, feeling blue, unworthy… All you need is a little tiny thing that’ll make you smile, and you keep on going.
Like every other things in life.
My last “official” post was on April 24th. How it went by so quickly, I have no idea! I have been really busy with many things (preparing for the move on June 2nd, everyday challenges, spending time with my husband and son, and, believe it or not, playing online games).
Last weekend was the 1st official Beta weekend event from Guild Wars 2, an online game (Or MMO for those who are familiar with the term). My husband and I actually met on Guild Wars 1, so needless to say that GW2 has a lot of sentimental value for us. So during the weekend, we tried to spend as much time in the Beta as we could. (For those who don’t know, a beta is when the game opens for only a certain amount of players and that’s when we test for bugs, gameplay, give feedback, etc… Before the official release). We played so much, my butt hurt. Sitting for so long and not being used to it and all…
And so, when the Beta was over, I decided to work on another website, for GW2 fans, Chronicles Of Tyria. So no, I’m not sponsored by GW2 (ArenaNet) in any way, (Although I’d love to, HAH!) and that’s why it’s a fan site. If you love games, you can check it out. If you love writing, I suggest you check it out as well, because from time to time, I’m going to have some guest posts there. Plus, I’m currently building a forum for it.
So all of this website building stuff has had most of my time. It is very time consuming, especially when you’re new at it.
Diabetes wise: my blood sugars haven’t been all that great. I am not moving as much as I used to, so the new basals I had set up in my pump aren’t very accurate with a sedentary life. Less movement, less lows, more highs. You know the drill.
Weight loss wise: I haven’t touched a scale in two weeks. I am following my weight watchers point system (For the most part) but I’m not moving as much, so I am very reluctant to stepping on the scale tomorrow morning for a weight-in. I have no clue if I have gained weight, but I sure didn’t loss any. Pretty sure.
In other news, my husband is going back to work on monday for another 6 weeks, so I need to re-establish my routine and prepare for the move. Good thing we hired movers, or else I would assume fetal position, rock back and forth and hide under the kitchen table.
So… let’s see what tomorrow’s scale is going to do to me.
This week, I had worked out maybe twice, walked a bit every day, packed a little for the move and ate junk food one day. I mean, REAL junk food. Whoever visited Quebec once in their life probably tasted the most delicious junk food ever; Poutine (Pronounced put-sin). And I’m not talking about what the rest of Canada claims as Poutine, but real, french canadian, grease induced, sodium praised, Poutine. And it was delicious. I had a downfall. And I blame this on raging hormones that happens once a month, where my blood sugar goes whack one week and keep me low the other. With it comes cravings of the most intense levels. And I couldn’t resist.
So, recap; little physical activities, big eating.
I still followed my Points allowance though.
So I stepped on the scale expecting a weight gain, thinking about the worst where I would gain back all the weight I had lost in one week. But with it all, I’ve still managed to lose a pound. Two-O-Four read the scale. So that means I’ve lost a total of 12lbs so far. Come to think of it, that’s a pretty good amount. I’m SO close to being back in the 100’s and even closer to my Weight Watcher’s 1st goal weight.
All in all, not bad! But I will put in much more work this week, for sure. If my body is saying “Go on, lose some!” I’m gonna work it! Especially since half the house still needs packing before the move… I have a long ways to go!
One month in the making. Have I made it to my goal of losing 20 pounds? Sadly, no. I found that it was very difficult, especially with diabetes, to keep away from the “points”… The Calories. With a low comes orange juice and snacks. Glucose tablets don’t work fast enough for me and cost much more than a pack of 8 juices in the end. I’m glad to have found out through the last weeks that having my husband around didn’t impact my food choices! When we ate out, I always had something healthy when usually I would be inclined to go to McD’s or have an A&W mama burger. Topped with their onion rings of course. And even though it smells delicious, I want to taste freshness, not grease indulged food. That, and Aaden is a big motivation as I don’t want to share a burger with him, so I pick something healthier like a cajun chicken wrap with two choices of salads.
I trained this week more than I did last week. Bob Harper killed my arms this week. And my knees have become weaker but that’s another problem that goes along the lines of my carpal tunnel syndrome waking me in the middle of the night despite the wrist brace. And sharp pains in my joints that I associate with possible arthritis. At 30. Awesome. Who wants to meet a girl who didn’t care about her body enough that at 30 she’s got the body of a 70 year old’s? Don’t look too far, you’re reading her blog!
Whoa there nellie, let’s not get -too- negative! Focus on the positive, right? That’s what I tell myself when I step on the scale lately. Last week was zero loss. This week; one pound. 205. Still a loss, I know, but it gets discouraging to see the scale glare at me with it’s digital numbers of hell. Of course it’s 11 pounds gone, and this actually marks 5% body weight, also gone! Something I should be celebrating. Why am I not happy with the number? Why do I keep stressing myself out?
I had a conversation yesterday with my husband as we were eating at our favourite vegetarian restaurant, and one subject became another and lead to him telling me that I am stressed all the time. I don’t enjoy (Or well don’t look like I am enjoying) my days. If something’s not done, like the dishes or laundry, I go into interior rage mode and fume from the inside. And I have to work on that. I want everything done in one day, and sometimes, I don’t realize that it’s at my son’s and husband’s cost. I need to find a moment and relax. Accept the fact that I am not a “supermom” or “super wife” and that I should take things lightly. Well, most things. I need to find a book that will somewhat teach me how to do those things. I need to chill out on several things; cleaning, moving, packing, daily chores, missing my family, losing a long time friend, accept major change… And never -ever- let my husband and son down. Those are the most important people in my life, the ones that matter most.
At least I’m aware of what I need to change, right? Step 1, denial… Step 2…
What is step 2 anyways?